TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely from place. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have A different location where American Guys can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give Anyone a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after finding the developing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Trump Tower Damascus Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where attendees could ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Global traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may also consist of:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have change-down provider."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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