TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of location. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Of course, confident, let us have Yet another location where by American Males can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Everybody a collection around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he ought to quit working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the project, replied, "You understand, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof Trump Tower Damascus storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Features


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees might ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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